First Presidential Raccoon.
13 years ago
Showing posts with label First Ladies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label First Ladies. Show all posts
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
This one is for you, Grace Anna Goodhue Coolidge
Sometimes at night I lie awake and worry about our nation's less successful presidents. How must it feel to attain the highest office in the land and then be remembered as being rather dull, if you are remembered at all. The presidential libraries of Chester Arthur, Millard Fillmore, Warren G. Harding, and James Garfield are all probably having trouble raising funds. If they even have libraries. Calvin Coolidge was keeping me awake the other night. He was veep when Harding popped his clogs (which was the most interesting thing Harding ever did) and then won the presidency for real in 1924. But I couldn't think of one thing Coolidge did in office! I still can't, actually. But, thanks to the White House dot gov's handy biographies of first ladies, I now know that Coolidge may have been a stiff, but his wife, Grace, was a delight. In addition to being a most popular first lady, she was also a psychic knitter. That's right, her knitting predicted the future. Consider this tidbit:
Some one noticed that a bedspread, knitted nearly a year ago by Mrs. Coolidge and intended to be left in the White House, bore a prophecy. On one side was knitted "Lincoln 1861-1865." On the other side; "Calvin Coolidge—1923-1929." Long before President Coolidge announced his "choice," Mrs. Coolidge said, to a friend who exclaimed at her bedspread, "I know what I'm doing."
(It seems the newspapers of the early 1920s were just as obsessed with their President-elect as we are now, and followed his every move) Yes, Mrs. Grace Coolidge was a righteous prophetic knitting babe.
I think she could not only see the future, but used yarn to gather useful information and possibly even influence policy. (I mean, look into those eyes. Those are cunning eyes.)
When Grace Coolidge died, a whole pile of knitted blankets were left to the Coolidge estate. Several of them, including one reading "President Barack Hussein Obama 2008- 2016", were considered to be evidence of Grace's descent into madness in her elder years, and were thrown away.
Some one noticed that a bedspread, knitted nearly a year ago by Mrs. Coolidge and intended to be left in the White House, bore a prophecy. On one side was knitted "Lincoln 1861-1865." On the other side; "Calvin Coolidge—1923-1929." Long before President Coolidge announced his "choice," Mrs. Coolidge said, to a friend who exclaimed at her bedspread, "I know what I'm doing."
(It seems the newspapers of the early 1920s were just as obsessed with their President-elect as we are now, and followed his every move) Yes, Mrs. Grace Coolidge was a righteous prophetic knitting babe.
I think she could not only see the future, but used yarn to gather useful information and possibly even influence policy. (I mean, look into those eyes. Those are cunning eyes.)
When Grace Coolidge died, a whole pile of knitted blankets were left to the Coolidge estate. Several of them, including one reading "President Barack Hussein Obama 2008- 2016", were considered to be evidence of Grace's descent into madness in her elder years, and were thrown away.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
In which I go on a slightly insane political tangent
Those damn Obama kids. Could they be any cuter? Just keep bringing those kids out, its like having a panda. No one can resist the cute. Vote for me! Look! The Cute is on my side. But it is a little sad, kids in the spot light, their every move judged. Talk about an interrupted childhood. Being a president's kid is a very strange situation. I thought I was going to make a list of all the president's kids, like I did with all the presidents, but, oh my god, there are way too many of them. (And somebody else already did it, and did a much better job) Pretty much all of the presidents had about thirteen kids, except for George Washington, who was too neurotic, and James Buchanan, who was probably gay. So I decided to just find some highlights.Most Kids Ever: John Tyler, tenth president of the united states, had eight kids by his first wife, and then seven by his second. Mary, Robert, John Letitia, Elizabeth, Anne, Alice, Tazewell, David, John, Julia, Lachlan, Lyon, Robert and Pearl. I really feel like he was running out of ideas in the middle there- Lachlan? Really? Not feeling like their were enough players on the family softball team, he had a couple more illegitimate children with some slaves.
Weirdest nicknames: Definitely a tie between John Adam's daughter, Abigail, AKA "Nabby" and James Garfield's daughter, Eliza, AKA "Trot." Maybe they could start a band or something, get Abe Lincoln's kid on the drums! Nabby, Trot and Tad. Nabby, Trot and the American Way. Or, White House Wedding!
Worst parenting style: Goes to Thomas Jefferson. He pretty much missed all of his kids being born, and then, missed their deaths too. To give the man some credit, most of them died about 15 minutes later. And those are only his legitimate children! Who even knows about the rest of them.
Most Bad Ass Babe: Hands down, Alice Roosevelt. During her white house adolescence, she set off fire crackers on the front lawn, was caught gambling, took unchaperoned joy rides in the presidential car, danced the shimmie, and smoked in the oval office. When TR forbid her from smoking inside, she went on the roof, and would take playful shots at pigeons and telegraph workers with her rifle. She was the first ingenue to jump in a swimming pool fully clothed. And you have to remember this was the eighteen dippity doos where women could be stoned to death for showing their ankles. Basically, she knew how to party. Armed with a quick wit and a hot body, she pretty much partied her whole life. Here's a review of one of her biographies, which gives a good taste for how rocking she was.
Best Pet: The Carter family seems to be in touch with a ludicrous and scary side of nature. When not dodging attacks from swimming rabbits, Amy Carter named her cat Misty Malarkey Ying Yang. She also gets cool points for being arrested at a protest when she was in college.
Best Rebel: Bleeding heart liberal Patricia Ann Reagan very publicly disagreed with Ronald about almost everything, voted (gasp!) for the democratic party, and wrote books exposing him as a negligent father. She also posed for play boy. Like you do. She's so liberal, she married her yoga instructor, and then got divorced.
Well, that's all I have. Republicans really seem to have a monopoly on family drama, don't they? John McCain seems right in line with history-- two wives, a football team of kids. I felt pretty bad for his adopted daughter, the only not white person at the republican convention. And Bristly Brush Palin with her teenage pregnancy. But, we can't forget, just a few years ago Bill Clinton showed the world that democrats, too, knew how to womanize! Messy, messy lives that shouldn't have any effect on how you vote, but for some reason, seem to. Makes you miss the old days of whiskey and hacksaws.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Happy Presidents' Day!
How do you celebrate Presidents' Day? It's easy to be cynical about past leaders, all being pasty white dudes, most of them a who-bit blood thirsty. But I love them! I don't know why, but something about the presidents fills me with glee. I used to make everyone at the College Light Opera try and help me remember all of them in order, but mostly they just called me a nerd and ignored me. It's upseting how often history turns into party trivia, but at least if it's trivia, some one will remember. And I don't feel so bad about doing it to the Presidents, because as soon as they're elected they become the answer to a trivia question. So I decided to celebrate this fine Presidents' Day by writing something about each of our chiefs!
George Washington, 1789-1797 Revolutionary war leader, red head and general hottie, he could have been king if he hadn’t been such a polite modest dude. He would be horrified if he knew there were naked statues of him.
John Adams, 1797-1801 As he once sang to Thomas Jefferson in the musical 1776, he was obnoxious and disliked. But he was married to Abigail, total babe and advocate for women’s rights.
Thomas Jefferson, 1801-1809 Another red headed hottie, he was really smart, made a funky house in Virginia, played the violin and liked to have sex with slaves.
James Madison, 1809-1817 He declared war on the British in 1812, which was the beginning of the War of 1812, which accomplished nothing but making the year 1812 less boring.
James Monroe, 1817-1825 Made up a doctrine. You've probably heard it.
John Quincy Adams, 1825-1829 This is what it says about him on the Internet Public Library: “President Adams regularly swam nude in the Potomac River. Anne Royall, the first American professional journalist, knew of Adams’ 5 A.M. swims. After being refused interviews with the president time after time, she went to the river, gathered his clothes and sat on them until she had her interview. Before this, no female had interviewed a president.” I don’t know what “first American professional journalist” means, but Anne Royall rocks.
Andrew Jackson, 1829-1837 Killed lots and lots of Indians and got away with it.
Martin Van Buren, 1837-1841 My high school history textbook referred to him as “the little magician.” I have no idea why.
William Henry Harrison, 1841 He caught a cold while delivering his inaugural address and then died a month later because medicine in the 1840s consisted of whiskey and a hacksaw.
John Tyler, 1841-1845 Became president because Harrison popped his clogs, and then proceeded to do nothing that would ever appear on an AP history exam.
James Knox Polk, 1845-1849 Bullied (or “polked”) Mexico into giving the U.S. lots of land.
Zachary Taylor, 1849-1850 His super cool nickname was “Old Rough and Ready.” My imagination kinda goes to extremes with that one. He also died in office because of the whiskey-and-hacksaw medicinal practices of the times.
Millard Fillmore, 1850-1853 Well, I have no idea, but he sure has lots of Ls in his name.
Franklin Pierce, 1853-1857 Again, according to the Internet public library, the Democrat’s campaign slogan was: "We Polked you in 1844; we shall Pierce you in 1852." Politics were way puny back then!
James Buchanan, 1857-1861 He was the only president never to marry. My boss at the College Light Opera was convinced he was gay. I think he just had no lips and did nothing about the Civil War.
Abraham Lincoln, 1861-1865 An unconventional hottie, he was the tallest president. Possibly bi polar, probably not bi sexual, he kept our country from becoming bisected. He held séances at the White House, enjoyed the work of Edgar Allan Poe, and died from being shot in the head.
Andrew Johnson, 1865-1869 No body liked him.
Ulysses Simpson Grant, 1869-1877 He rocked the Civil War, but sucked at being president.
Rutherford Birchard Hayes, 1877-1881 Ah, the presidency of Rutherford Hayes. I shall always remember him as being the president we got to in June, right as school was letting out. But I do know he had an impressive beard.
James Abram Garfield, 1881 I think some one named a cat after him. Then he got shot.
Chester Alan Arthur, 1881-1885 Famous for being the hardest president to remember.
Grover Cleveland, 1885-1889 Okay, Cleveland? Really? Who knows?
Benjamin Harrison, 1889-1893 Don’t worry, he won’t be on the AP exam. Wikipedia says he had electricity installed in the white house, but was afraid to touch the light switches.
Grover Cleveland, 1893-1897 Oh! Now I remember! Cleveland was the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms!
William McKinley, 1897-1901 My high school textbook thought he was pretty cool, but Howard Zinn thinks he’s a douchebag. In any event, he was shot by an anarchist who would have enjoyed A People’s History of the United States.
Theodore Roosevelt, 1901-1909 Despite looking kind of dweeby, he led the charge up San Juan Hill in one of those wars where we stole other peoples land. He liked bears and carried a big stick.
William Howard Taft, 1909-1913 I don’t think he got stuck in the bathtub, because he looks quite trim in this video!
Woodrow Wilson, 1913-1921 President during World War I. He could have been really cool, if he hadn’t been a racist and basically set Europe up for WWII. So I guess he wasn’t cool. He had a hot young wife, though, who ran the country after he had a nervous break down during his 2nd term.
Warren Gamaliel Harding, 1921-1923 Even though this was during Prohibition; he liked drink, burlesque shows, extramarital affairs and poker.
Calvin Coolidge, 1923-1929 Didn’t do much. But he called it “laissez-faire” and people thought that made it okay.
Herbert Clark Hoover, 1929-1933 The economy went to shit while he was president. People started calling newspapers Hoover Blankets. But he redeemed himself with vacuums.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1933-1945 A hottie in a wheel chair, he fixed the economy with some socialism and some WWII. Not letting the wheel chair thing stop his mojo, he had an awesome wife and was making it with his mistress when he bit it.
Harry S. Truman, 1945-1953 He decided to drop the atomic bomb. That sucked. He tried his best to be cool, but it didn’t really work out for him.
Dwight David Eisenhower 1953-1961 Because it was the 50s, and he was a general, he didn’t really know how to party.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 1961-1963 “Polked” both Jackie O. and Marilyn Monroe. Threw such awesome parties that Vanity Fair is still writing about them. Then he was shot in the neck.
Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1963-1969 Again, a president that tried really hard to be cool with some civil rights and some health care for people who were tired of whiskey and saws, but was thwarted by this thing called Vietnam.
Richard Milhous Nixon, 1969-1974 He didn’t even try to be cool.
Gerald Rudolph Ford, 1974-1977 What? I don’t even remember him! Where did he come from? Must be a fluke. I bet Howard Zinn hates him though.
James Earl Carter, Jr., 1977-1981 A pretty righteous liberal dude, but all I can remember about him is that story that he was once attacked by a swimming rabbit while he was canoeing. I wonder if that’s true. (AUGH!It's totally true!Swamp rabbit!)
Ronald Wilson Reagan, 1981-1989 Despite being completly flakey, many Republicans have alters to him in their homes.
George Herbert Walker Bush, 1989-1993 Whoo! My parents thought he was bad! They didn’t even know what was coming!
William Jefferson Clinton, 1993-2001 Another thwarted presidential attempt to be cool. But I heard a really good limerick! Okay:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played beautiful flute like Stravinsky
But it was "Hail to the Chief"
On a flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski!
George Walker Bush, 2001-2008 Sheesh, what a way to start the millennium! And then we re-elected him! He makes the whiskey and hacksaw approach seem like a good option.
Did I miss anything? Or make any mistakes? Any more fun President facts? Have a Happy and Safe President’s Day!
George Washington, 1789-1797 Revolutionary war leader, red head and general hottie, he could have been king if he hadn’t been such a polite modest dude. He would be horrified if he knew there were naked statues of him.
John Adams, 1797-1801 As he once sang to Thomas Jefferson in the musical 1776, he was obnoxious and disliked. But he was married to Abigail, total babe and advocate for women’s rights.
Thomas Jefferson, 1801-1809 Another red headed hottie, he was really smart, made a funky house in Virginia, played the violin and liked to have sex with slaves.
James Madison, 1809-1817 He declared war on the British in 1812, which was the beginning of the War of 1812, which accomplished nothing but making the year 1812 less boring.
James Monroe, 1817-1825 Made up a doctrine. You've probably heard it.
John Quincy Adams, 1825-1829 This is what it says about him on the Internet Public Library: “President Adams regularly swam nude in the Potomac River. Anne Royall, the first American professional journalist, knew of Adams’ 5 A.M. swims. After being refused interviews with the president time after time, she went to the river, gathered his clothes and sat on them until she had her interview. Before this, no female had interviewed a president.” I don’t know what “first American professional journalist” means, but Anne Royall rocks.
Andrew Jackson, 1829-1837 Killed lots and lots of Indians and got away with it.
Martin Van Buren, 1837-1841 My high school history textbook referred to him as “the little magician.” I have no idea why.
William Henry Harrison, 1841 He caught a cold while delivering his inaugural address and then died a month later because medicine in the 1840s consisted of whiskey and a hacksaw.
John Tyler, 1841-1845 Became president because Harrison popped his clogs, and then proceeded to do nothing that would ever appear on an AP history exam.
James Knox Polk, 1845-1849 Bullied (or “polked”) Mexico into giving the U.S. lots of land.
Zachary Taylor, 1849-1850 His super cool nickname was “Old Rough and Ready.” My imagination kinda goes to extremes with that one. He also died in office because of the whiskey-and-hacksaw medicinal practices of the times.
Millard Fillmore, 1850-1853 Well, I have no idea, but he sure has lots of Ls in his name.
Franklin Pierce, 1853-1857 Again, according to the Internet public library, the Democrat’s campaign slogan was: "We Polked you in 1844; we shall Pierce you in 1852." Politics were way puny back then!
James Buchanan, 1857-1861 He was the only president never to marry. My boss at the College Light Opera was convinced he was gay. I think he just had no lips and did nothing about the Civil War.
Abraham Lincoln, 1861-1865 An unconventional hottie, he was the tallest president. Possibly bi polar, probably not bi sexual, he kept our country from becoming bisected. He held séances at the White House, enjoyed the work of Edgar Allan Poe, and died from being shot in the head.
Andrew Johnson, 1865-1869 No body liked him.
Ulysses Simpson Grant, 1869-1877 He rocked the Civil War, but sucked at being president.
Rutherford Birchard Hayes, 1877-1881 Ah, the presidency of Rutherford Hayes. I shall always remember him as being the president we got to in June, right as school was letting out. But I do know he had an impressive beard.
James Abram Garfield, 1881 I think some one named a cat after him. Then he got shot.
Chester Alan Arthur, 1881-1885 Famous for being the hardest president to remember.
Grover Cleveland, 1885-1889 Okay, Cleveland? Really? Who knows?
Benjamin Harrison, 1889-1893 Don’t worry, he won’t be on the AP exam. Wikipedia says he had electricity installed in the white house, but was afraid to touch the light switches.
Grover Cleveland, 1893-1897 Oh! Now I remember! Cleveland was the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms!
William McKinley, 1897-1901 My high school textbook thought he was pretty cool, but Howard Zinn thinks he’s a douchebag. In any event, he was shot by an anarchist who would have enjoyed A People’s History of the United States.
Theodore Roosevelt, 1901-1909 Despite looking kind of dweeby, he led the charge up San Juan Hill in one of those wars where we stole other peoples land. He liked bears and carried a big stick.
William Howard Taft, 1909-1913 I don’t think he got stuck in the bathtub, because he looks quite trim in this video!
Woodrow Wilson, 1913-1921 President during World War I. He could have been really cool, if he hadn’t been a racist and basically set Europe up for WWII. So I guess he wasn’t cool. He had a hot young wife, though, who ran the country after he had a nervous break down during his 2nd term.
Warren Gamaliel Harding, 1921-1923 Even though this was during Prohibition; he liked drink, burlesque shows, extramarital affairs and poker.
Calvin Coolidge, 1923-1929 Didn’t do much. But he called it “laissez-faire” and people thought that made it okay.
Herbert Clark Hoover, 1929-1933 The economy went to shit while he was president. People started calling newspapers Hoover Blankets. But he redeemed himself with vacuums.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1933-1945 A hottie in a wheel chair, he fixed the economy with some socialism and some WWII. Not letting the wheel chair thing stop his mojo, he had an awesome wife and was making it with his mistress when he bit it.
Harry S. Truman, 1945-1953 He decided to drop the atomic bomb. That sucked. He tried his best to be cool, but it didn’t really work out for him.
Dwight David Eisenhower 1953-1961 Because it was the 50s, and he was a general, he didn’t really know how to party.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 1961-1963 “Polked” both Jackie O. and Marilyn Monroe. Threw such awesome parties that Vanity Fair is still writing about them. Then he was shot in the neck.
Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1963-1969 Again, a president that tried really hard to be cool with some civil rights and some health care for people who were tired of whiskey and saws, but was thwarted by this thing called Vietnam.
Richard Milhous Nixon, 1969-1974 He didn’t even try to be cool.
Gerald Rudolph Ford, 1974-1977 What? I don’t even remember him! Where did he come from? Must be a fluke. I bet Howard Zinn hates him though.
James Earl Carter, Jr., 1977-1981 A pretty righteous liberal dude, but all I can remember about him is that story that he was once attacked by a swimming rabbit while he was canoeing. I wonder if that’s true. (AUGH!It's totally true!Swamp rabbit!)
Ronald Wilson Reagan, 1981-1989 Despite being completly flakey, many Republicans have alters to him in their homes.
George Herbert Walker Bush, 1989-1993 Whoo! My parents thought he was bad! They didn’t even know what was coming!
William Jefferson Clinton, 1993-2001 Another thwarted presidential attempt to be cool. But I heard a really good limerick! Okay:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played beautiful flute like Stravinsky
But it was "Hail to the Chief"
On a flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski!
George Walker Bush, 2001-2008 Sheesh, what a way to start the millennium! And then we re-elected him! He makes the whiskey and hacksaw approach seem like a good option.
Did I miss anything? Or make any mistakes? Any more fun President facts? Have a Happy and Safe President’s Day!
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