Slogans Through the Ages

I still can't really believe it. I keep checking the news, expecting some one to demand a recount in Ohio, or complain about biting ballots in Florida. The highest office in the land is one of my favorite things, and only partially because of the endlessly amusing trivia that it provides. I'm excited about our new President. Obama is so smart and collected and balanced, it seems as if I can be proud of the government again. And even if he is unable to live up to my expectations (which are high) at least there will be glamorous photo shoots of the Obama family with their new dog to look forward too.

This campaign has crippled me with worry. What a crazy race, what a peculiar American tradition. The New Yorker had a really good article about the birth of the American Presidential campaign. George Washington seems to have run on the platform of "Oh, I seem to be the only one, don't I?" And until Andrew Jackson, campaigning as we know it was non existent. "Keeping with the tradition of the first five American Presidents, Adams (running against Jackson) considered currying favor with voters to be beneath the dignity of the office, and believed that any man who craved the Presidency ought not to have it." We all know how that worked out. So, in the interest of capitalist democracy, I decided to compile a list of all the Campaign slogans.

1840
William Henry Harrison VS. Martin Van Buren
William "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too" " Harrison seems to have coined the first campaign slogan. Van Buren, already having been president for 4 years after Jackson with no such rhyming craziness, seems to have been shocked into defeat.

1844
James K. Polk VS. Henry Clay
"Reannexation of Texas and Reoccupation of Oregon" Vs "Who is James K. Polk?"
Polk's technique of putting "Re" in front of things that were otherwise really boring beat out Clay's weird rhetorical question. (He's the guy debating you, you moron!)

1848
Zachary Taylor VS Lewis Cass
Taylor's "For President of the people" beat Lewis Cass handily. On the other hand, Lewis Cass wasn't very good at his job.

1852
Franklin Pierce VS. Winifield Scott
"We Polked them in ’44, We’ll Pierce them in ’52" VS "Old Fuss and Feathers"
My all time favorite slogan, a pun that involves violence, way won out over having a weird nickname that makes voters think of angry geese.

1856
James Buchannan VS. John C. Fremont VS. Millard Fillmore
In this election, the third party candidate may have only won about .08 electoral votes, but he won best slogan by a mile:
"Free Soil, Free Labor, Free Speech, Free Men, and Fremont." Buchanan and Fillmore were so awed that "Fremont" had "Free" in it, they couldn't even think of a slogan. ("Fill more mills with Millard Fillmore?"... No...)

1860
Abraham Lincoln VS. A Bunch of Crazies
"Vote Yourself a Farm" VS. incoherent screams
Isn't that funny? I don't remember Abe's presidency having much to do with farms.

1864
Abraham Lincoln Vs. George B. McClellan
Lincoln's "Don't swap horses in the middle of the stream" was met with a "what can I say, I think he's right" from Mr. McClellan. That and McClellan was kind of a bad general.

After Abe was shot and the Andrew Johnson messed up really badly, there was a short break in campaign slogans. Ulysses S. Grant's could've been "I won the civil war, DUH" but he wasted the opportunity. Rutherford B. Hayes and James A. Garfield were similarly uninspired, probably realizing they were the presidents every one was most likely to forget about.

1884
Grover Cleveland VS. James Blaine
Well, after a dry spell Cleveland and Blaine brought it back, with absurd limerick raps that bring delight to history students to this day. "Blaine, Blaine, James G. Blaine, The Continental Liar from the State of Maine!" cried Cleveland. "Oh yeah?" said Blaine, "well, your Ma, Ma, Where’s my Pa, Gone to the White House, Ha, Ha, Ha." In short, it was the most awesome presidential race ever. Candidates should all be forced to debate in rhyming couplets.

1888
Benjamin Harrison VS. Grover Cleveland
Benjamin Harrison beat Cleveland with "Rejuvenated Republicanism," probably because everyone fell asleep just thinking about the phase "Rejuvenated Republicanism". Then everyone forgot about Harrison because he was boring and re-elected Cleveland in 1892, because even if he sucked at making slogans, at least his first name was "Grover."

1896
William McKinley VS. William Jennings Bryan
McKinley's "Patriotism, Protection, and Prosperity" handily beat William Jennings Bryan's "In a couple of years I'm going to try and disprove Darwin's theory of evolution in a really weird, crazy and public way!"

1900
William McKinley VS. William Jennings Bryan
McKinley was obviously feeling confident, because his slogan, "A Full Dinner Pail" is complete nonsense.

Theodore Roosevelt, William Howard Taft, and first term Woodrow Wilson seem to have still been pondering "A Full Dinner Pail" (a dinner pail? what is that? isn't it supposed to be lunch pail? full of what? full of whiskey? So many questions, so few answers) So they didn't think up anything new.

1916
Woodrow Wilson VS Theodore Roosevelt VS William Howard Taft VS. Eugene V. Debs
Woodrow Wilson's slogan, "He kept us out of war" turned out great, especially because as soon as he was re-elected, we went to war!

1920
Warren G Harding VS. James M. Cox
Harding played hard defense here, coming up with both "Return to normalcy" and "Cox and Cocktails." I never want things to be normal, and I love cocktails, so these slogans should have worked against Harding. Cox could have turned it around- "That's right! Vote for Cox and get a cocktail!" Of course, this was in the middle of Prohibition, so that probably wouldn't have worked out.

1924
Calvin Coolidge VS John W. Davis
"Keep it Cool with Coolidge!" Yeah, that is pretty cool! It didn't make him any more memorable as a president, though.

1928
Herbert Hoover VS Al Smith
"A chicken in Every Pot and a Car in Every Garage" and a cushion on every chair and a lover in every bed and whiskey in every bottle! But then the great depression happened, so there was a hobo on every street.

FDR seems to have eschewed slogans, but he had some witty sayings, like the New Deal. Okay, that's not that witty. But FDR is still pretty cool. He don't need no slogans. Harry S. Truman was also sloganless, but I think this would be a good one- "Tough times need a Tru-Man!" Hehe!

1952
Dwight Eisenhower Vs Adalai Stevenson
"I like Ike" I didn't think "Ike" was a nickname for "Dwight." Do you think its a nickname for his last name? Do people usually have nicknames for their last names? More mysteries. Even though this slogan rhymes, its kind of inane.

1956
Dwight Eisenhower VS Adlai Stevenson
"Peace and prosperity"-- more boring slogans from Ike, and this one doesn't even rhyme. Adlai must have been pissed that he kept losing.

1960
John F. Kennedy Vs Richard Nixon
Richard Nixon's was "For the Future." JFK's was "I'm really hot, and so is my wife!" Okay, I made that up.

1964
Lyndon B. Johnson VS Barry Goldwater
"The stakes are too high for you to stay at home" said LBJ. "In your heart you know he's right," said Barry Goldwater. Its obvious why LBJ won, because, who even was Goldwater talking about? You know who's right? LBJ? Aren't you running against him?

1968
Richard Nixon Vs. Hubert Humphrey
"Nixon's the One" Yes, yes, Nixon is the one who would bring ruin on the white house. Hubert Humphrey is the one with an awesome alliterative name.

1972
Richard Nixon VS George McGovern
There were no slogans in this race, instead, the candidates mud wrestled! Okay, I made that up too.

1976
Jimmy Carter VS Gerald Ford
"Not Just Peanuts!" said Jimmy Carter. "You mean we get cashews too?" said the American public. "Awesome!" "He's Making Us Proud Again," said Gerald Ford. "He's making who proud?" the American Public asked.

1980
Ronald Reagan VS Jimmy Carter
"Are you Better Off than you were Four Years Ago?" asked Ronald Reagan. People scratched their heads and thought really hard about that one. They were thinking so hard, they forgot to vote. Jimmy Carter, busy fighting off an army of swamp rabbits, declined to comment.

1984
Ronald Reagan VS Walter Mondale
"It's Morning Again in America!" Nobody wanted to tell him the sun also came up during Carter's presidency.

1988
George H. W. Bush VS. Michael Dukakis
George H. W. Bush wanted a "Kinder, Gentler Nation." You know, I might make fun of this, (a kinder, gentler nation full of xenophobic nut jobs??!!) but just having spent the last 8 years with his son, I can say it was, indeed, a kinder, gentler nation back then.

1992
Bill Clinton VS George H.W. Bush VS Ross Perot
Bill Clinton courted the votes of Fleetwood Mac fans everywhere, with his sing songy slogan. "Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow." Ross Perot inspired general awe for his craziness, summed up best by his slogan: "Ross for Boss".

1996
Bill Clinton VS Bob Dole
"Building a Bridge to the 21st Century" VS "The Better Man for a Better America"
That bridge was a bridge to no where! I said it. I tried not to, but I had to.

2000
George W. Bush VS Al Gore
"Compassionate Conservatism" won, because people didn't know what it meant. Scary republicans were going to go to war with random countries, over turn Roe V. Wade and beat people in the streets. And yet they called in compassionate? Did they apologize after throwing rocks through your windows? Gore's "Prosperity and Progress" was much less intriguing.

2004
George W. Bush VS John Kerry
"Yes, America Can!" said George W. Bush. "Yes, America can actually elect an overzealous, incompetent, inarticulate war mongering freak to for a second term!" "Hey now!" said Kerry, "Let America be America Again!" "No!" said Bush. And it was not to be so.

2008
Barak Obama VS John McCain
Well, personally, I am very glad that "The Change we Need" won out over "Drill, Baby, Drill." I would much rather have health care than an infant with a power tool. I'm just saying.

In which I go on a slightly insane political tangent

Those damn Obama kids.  Could they be any cuter?  Just keep bringing those kids out, its like having a panda.  No one can resist the cute.  Vote for me!  Look!  The Cute is on my side.  But  it  is a little sad, kids in the spot light, their every move judged.  Talk about an interrupted childhood.  Being a president's kid is a very strange situation.  I thought I was going to make a list of all the president's kids, like I did with all the presidents, but, oh my god, there are way too many of them.  (And somebody else already did it, and did a much better job) Pretty much all of the presidents had about thirteen kids, except for George Washington, who was too neurotic, and James Buchanan, who was probably gay.   So I decided to just find some highlights.

Most Kids Ever: John Tyler, tenth president of the united states, had eight kids by his first wife, and then seven by his second.  Mary, Robert, John Letitia, Elizabeth, Anne, Alice, Tazewell, David, John, Julia, Lachlan, Lyon, Robert and Pearl.  I really feel like he was running out of ideas in the middle there- Lachlan? Really?  Not feeling like their were enough players on the family softball team, he had a couple more illegitimate children with some slaves. 

Weirdest nicknames: Definitely a tie between John Adam's daughter, Abigail, AKA "Nabby" and James Garfield's daughter, Eliza, AKA "Trot."  Maybe they could start a band or something, get Abe Lincoln's kid on the drums!  Nabby, Trot and Tad.  Nabby, Trot and the American Way. Or, White House Wedding!

Worst parenting style:  Goes to Thomas Jefferson.  He pretty much missed all of his kids being born, and then, missed their deaths too.  To give the man some credit, most of them died about 15 minutes later.  And those are only his legitimate children! Who even knows about the rest of them.

Most Bad Ass Babe:  Hands down, Alice Roosevelt.  During her white house adolescence, she set off fire crackers on the front lawn, was caught gambling, took unchaperoned joy rides in the presidential car, danced the shimmie, and smoked in the oval office.  When TR forbid her from smoking inside, she went on the roof, and would take playful shots at pigeons and telegraph workers with her rifle.  She was the first ingenue to jump in a swimming pool fully clothed.  And you have to remember this was the eighteen dippity doos where women could be stoned to death for showing their ankles.  Basically, she knew how to party.  Armed with a quick wit and a hot body, she pretty much partied her whole life.  Here's a review of one of her biographies, which gives a good taste for how rocking she was.   

Best Pet:  The Carter family seems to be in touch with a ludicrous and scary side of nature.  When not dodging attacks from swimming rabbits, Amy Carter named her cat Misty Malarkey Ying Yang.  She also gets cool points for being arrested at a protest when she was in college.  

Best Rebel:  Bleeding heart liberal Patricia Ann Reagan very publicly disagreed with Ronald about almost everything, voted (gasp!) for the democratic party, and wrote books exposing him as a negligent father.  She also posed for play boy.  Like you do.  She's so liberal, she married her yoga instructor, and then got divorced.

Well, that's all I have.  Republicans really seem to have a monopoly on family drama, don't they? John McCain seems right in line with history-- two wives, a football team of kids.  I felt pretty bad for his adopted daughter, the only not white person at the republican convention.  And Bristly Brush Palin with her teenage pregnancy.  But, we can't forget, just a few years ago Bill Clinton showed the world that democrats, too, knew how to womanize!  Messy, messy lives that shouldn't have any effect on how you vote, but for some reason, seem to.  Makes you miss the old days of whiskey and hacksaws.

Happy Presidents' Day!

How do you celebrate Presidents' Day? It's easy to be cynical about past leaders, all being pasty white dudes, most of them a who-bit blood thirsty. But I love them! I don't know why, but something about the presidents fills me with glee. I used to make everyone at the College Light Opera try and help me remember all of them in order, but mostly they just called me a nerd and ignored me. It's upseting how often history turns into party trivia, but at least if it's trivia, some one will remember. And I don't feel so bad about doing it to the Presidents, because as soon as they're elected they become the answer to a trivia question. So I decided to celebrate this fine Presidents' Day by writing something about each of our chiefs!

George Washington, 1789-1797 Revolutionary war leader, red head and general hottie, he could have been king if he hadn’t been such a polite modest dude. He would be horrified if he knew there were naked statues of him.

John Adams, 1797-1801 As he once sang to Thomas Jefferson in the musical 1776, he was obnoxious and disliked. But he was married to Abigail, total babe and advocate for women’s rights.

Thomas Jefferson, 1801-1809 Another red headed hottie, he was really smart, made a funky house in Virginia, played the violin and liked to have sex with slaves.

James Madison, 1809-1817 He declared war on the British in 1812, which was the beginning of the War of 1812, which accomplished nothing but making the year 1812 less boring.

James Monroe, 1817-1825 Made up a doctrine. You've probably heard it.

John Quincy Adams, 1825-1829 This is what it says about him on the Internet Public Library: “President Adams regularly swam nude in the Potomac River. Anne Royall, the first American professional journalist, knew of Adams’ 5 A.M. swims. After being refused interviews with the president time after time, she went to the river, gathered his clothes and sat on them until she had her interview. Before this, no female had interviewed a president.” I don’t know what “first American professional journalist” means, but Anne Royall rocks.

Andrew Jackson, 1829-1837 Killed lots and lots of Indians and got away with it.

Martin Van Buren, 1837-1841 My high school history textbook referred to him as “the little magician.” I have no idea why.

William Henry Harrison, 1841 He caught a cold while delivering his inaugural address and then died a month later because medicine in the 1840s consisted of whiskey and a hacksaw.

John Tyler, 1841-1845 Became president because Harrison popped his clogs, and then proceeded to do nothing that would ever appear on an AP history exam.

James Knox Polk, 1845-1849 Bullied (or “polked”) Mexico into giving the U.S. lots of land.

Zachary Taylor, 1849-1850 His super cool nickname was “Old Rough and Ready.” My imagination kinda goes to extremes with that one. He also died in office because of the whiskey-and-hacksaw medicinal practices of the times.

Millard Fillmore, 1850-1853 Well, I have no idea, but he sure has lots of Ls in his name.

Franklin Pierce, 1853-1857 Again, according to the Internet public library, the Democrat’s campaign slogan was: "We Polked you in 1844; we shall Pierce you in 1852." Politics were way puny back then!

James Buchanan, 1857-1861 He was the only president never to marry. My boss at the College Light Opera was convinced he was gay. I think he just had no lips and did nothing about the Civil War.

Abraham Lincoln, 1861-1865 An unconventional hottie, he was the tallest president. Possibly bi polar, probably not bi sexual, he kept our country from becoming bisected. He held séances at the White House, enjoyed the work of Edgar Allan Poe, and died from being shot in the head.

Andrew Johnson, 1865-1869 No body liked him.

Ulysses Simpson Grant, 1869-1877 He rocked the Civil War, but sucked at being president.

Rutherford Birchard Hayes, 1877-1881 Ah, the presidency of Rutherford Hayes. I shall always remember him as being the president we got to in June, right as school was letting out. But I do know he had an impressive beard.

James Abram Garfield, 1881 I think some one named a cat after him. Then he got shot.

Chester Alan Arthur, 1881-1885 Famous for being the hardest president to remember.

Grover Cleveland, 1885-1889 Okay, Cleveland? Really? Who knows?

Benjamin Harrison, 1889-1893 Don’t worry, he won’t be on the AP exam. Wikipedia says he had electricity installed in the white house, but was afraid to touch the light switches.

Grover Cleveland, 1893-1897 Oh! Now I remember! Cleveland was the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms!

William McKinley, 1897-1901 My high school textbook thought he was pretty cool, but Howard Zinn thinks he’s a douchebag. In any event, he was shot by an anarchist who would have enjoyed A People’s History of the United States.

Theodore Roosevelt, 1901-1909 Despite looking kind of dweeby, he led the charge up San Juan Hill in one of those wars where we stole other peoples land. He liked bears and carried a big stick.

William Howard Taft, 1909-1913 I don’t think he got stuck in the bathtub, because he looks quite trim in this video!

Woodrow Wilson, 1913-1921 President during World War I. He could have been really cool, if he hadn’t been a racist and basically set Europe up for WWII. So I guess he wasn’t cool. He had a hot young wife, though, who ran the country after he had a nervous break down during his 2nd term.

Warren Gamaliel Harding, 1921-1923 Even though this was during Prohibition; he liked drink, burlesque shows, extramarital affairs and poker.

Calvin Coolidge, 1923-1929 Didn’t do much. But he called it “laissez-faire” and people thought that made it okay.

Herbert Clark Hoover, 1929-1933 The economy went to shit while he was president. People started calling newspapers Hoover Blankets. But he redeemed himself with vacuums.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1933-1945 A hottie in a wheel chair, he fixed the economy with some socialism and some WWII. Not letting the wheel chair thing stop his mojo, he had an awesome wife and was making it with his mistress when he bit it.

Harry S. Truman, 1945-1953 He decided to drop the atomic bomb. That sucked. He tried his best to be cool, but it didn’t really work out for him.

Dwight David Eisenhower 1953-1961 Because it was the 50s, and he was a general, he didn’t really know how to party.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 1961-1963 “Polked” both Jackie O. and Marilyn Monroe. Threw such awesome parties that Vanity Fair is still writing about them. Then he was shot in the neck.

Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1963-1969 Again, a president that tried really hard to be cool with some civil rights and some health care for people who were tired of whiskey and saws, but was thwarted by this thing called Vietnam.

Richard Milhous Nixon, 1969-1974 He didn’t even try to be cool.

Gerald Rudolph Ford, 1974-1977 What? I don’t even remember him! Where did he come from? Must be a fluke. I bet Howard Zinn hates him though.

James Earl Carter, Jr., 1977-1981 A pretty righteous liberal dude, but all I can remember about him is that story that he was once attacked by a swimming rabbit while he was canoeing. I wonder if that’s true. (AUGH!It's totally true!Swamp rabbit!)

Ronald Wilson Reagan, 1981-1989 Despite being completly flakey, many Republicans have alters to him in their homes.

George Herbert Walker Bush, 1989-1993 Whoo! My parents thought he was bad! They didn’t even know what was coming!

William Jefferson Clinton, 1993-2001 Another thwarted presidential attempt to be cool. But I heard a really good limerick! Okay:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played beautiful flute like Stravinsky
But it was "Hail to the Chief"
On a flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski!

George Walker Bush, 2001-2008 Sheesh, what a way to start the millennium! And then we re-elected him! He makes the whiskey and hacksaw approach seem like a good option.

Did I miss anything? Or make any mistakes? Any more fun President facts? Have a Happy and Safe President’s Day!

Oh, is it a new year?

New years always seemed like such a tacked on holiday, as if the calander making people just couldn’t let go of the christmas season yet. The Jewish new year, in the fall, makes more sense to me, because it happens right as school begins, which is the time to make resolutions. I actually did go out, this year, though it is my normal habit to stay indoors and be in bed by 10 to avoid shennagians.

I have a vague memory of the new year’s episode of “Will and Grace”, Will’s resolution is to “move on” with his life, get a boyfriend, not be so needy, etc. The episode ends with him kissing Grace at the stroke of midnight, and him saying “kissing a woman, that’s the opposite of moving on.”

If you replace Will with Nelly, Grace with a random dude, and woman with man, then you have my evening.

The gentlemen are really digging me right now, and I can’t figure out why. Some guy even followed me home the other night! I am really really out, all I talk about are gay things. It’s got to be one of two things:

1. Ladies aren’t as bold as gentlemen, and are intimidated by my straighty looks. Or
2. I’m not hanging out with the right crowd.

So I geuss my resolutions should be
A. Initate conversations with more lesbians.
B. Hang out with more different crowds.
Or hidden option
C. Stop caring that I’m single. And just say no to kissing dudes.

I'm not really a bad girl, I just do bad things.

Tallulah Bankhead once said "it's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time." I've been haunted by this quote everytime I try to write in any kind of blog. Tonight, slightly tipsy on whiskey after missing a quick change in tonight's show, I decided instead of going out to the lesbian bar that I would stay in with only the company of my dying computer. It's hard being lonely but it will make me better. And maybe I've proven my bad girl chops for the time being.